Rationalizing the Irrational

These past two weeks have been a whirlwind. I had a really difficult week  where I had more moments of anxiety than I’ve had in quite a while, which had left me feeling fairly unsettled.  I realized I needed to get away, andI made myself leave my hometown – making my way to Toronto to visit my brother, his girlfriend, and a few friends of mine as well! Having a change in scenery was such a relieving feeling. As was taking time to just enjoy myself.  I went to see Jack Johnson at the Budweiser Stage, attended a Mac & Cheese Festival with friends, saw a Jays game, did some yoga, went to the gym, and had a lot of great quality time with people. It was all very therapeutic and I am  incredibly grateful that I’ve become less and less scared to do things. I’ve begun to trust myself again!

But now, being back home, I’ve had some time to get settled into the routine again… which brought me to my counselling appointment today where I had the most humbling, eye opening experience. It just lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I had felt so overwhelmed with gratitude and a sense of inner peace. This was the first time I had been able to make sense of the way my brain works when I feel low- which all this time I had assumed to be completely irrational and frustrating; like a ball of yarn that could never be untangled.

I hadn’t any hope that I’d  one day be able to understand my reactions and why my emotions could become so extreme, very quickly. I began to think of all the times my emotions had spiralled into this scary version of what it should have been, and I was just so overwhelmed. There were times in the past eight months where I would be  visiting my partner at the time..and when going home, saying bye to him would be the most painful experience. Leaving him to go home felt heartbreaking and I could never understand why, or what was wrong with me!  I just knew I couldn’t handle it.

After this appointment though, I felt like I had this awakening… as if God took me back to last August and had let me view my last eight months from afar and finally make sense of it all… and it just left me in tears of relief.  I felt like I could finally understand, when I never could before. Finally being able to pick apart my emotions, see it on paper, and realize that there was a pattern and a sense of logic to it all. I felt free. I felt like a had found the key to the chains that had been holding me down all this time.

And to think it was as simple as 4 stages, and a repeated 3 stage vicious cycle;

I wanted to share this because, although this is my personal experience, and my emotions are deconstructed based on my own thought pattern… I hope that maybe it’ll shine some light on how the anxious brain can work, for those who are trying to support someone experiencing this in their lives.  Acceptance and DBT, my friends!

For those experiencing anxiety and depression  – remember that you are not defined by what your brain tells you you are. . It’s a cycle -and it can be picked apart and understood. Acknowledge, Accept, and Make a Plan and you will find a way out. Be kind to yourself. You  deserve it most.

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